This is my feeble attempt at 'connecting' with so many who I would love to sit down and have hours and hours with. I have been such a slack friend lately that when emails come across my screen of friends trying to catch up, I cry. Not bawl, but tear up significantly. My thoughts are inexplicable and don't make any sense, but if that gives you any idea where I am, there you have it. I'm not quite wanting to admit how I'm doing. On several occasions recently, I've broken into tears when I had time to connect with friends. Once when a friend just said 'how are you?'. I couldn't even answer... just cried. Finally said, 'I'm not doing very well', and that cause even more tears. Ugh.
The other night when coming home from work, I turned on the Christian radio station (which I don't usually have on anymore). The song, 'Blessed Be Your Name' was playing, and I had to sing along. It didn't take long before I had collapsed into tears based on the pure effect those words had on me. Blessed be Your Name, when I'm found in the desert place, when I walk through the wilderness, Blessed Be Your Name. I hated to admit to myself that I'm in a wilderness of sorts, but when I really think about it, I know I am. And even though I know it's true, I know that the bigger truth is that God is still worthy of my worship when I'm lost in the wilderness.
I can't remember the last time I had an extended, quality time set aside with the Lord. Haven't been to church in a looooong time, and the last time I did, I cried as a result of my bad attitude. This 'desert place' I'm in is somewhere where I think that I can control my life right now. Yeah, right. Look where it's gotten me: breaking down into fits of tears when asked how I'm doing. Great job, Tricia. Seriously, though, I've been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks, and I think I've created some sort of justification.
Somehow I think that because of this season I'm in, there's nothing God can do to help me. We've gotten ourselves in the financial trouble where we are both working 2 jobs, barely seeing each other, not making enough time for developing friendships, not having enough time to manage the house as I'd like.... It's kinda like I feel like since I made the mess, I've gotta clean it up. Some kind of penance.
I know better. I've given others advice in similar situations, but being here, in the midst of what feels like chaos and shame, stinks. I don't feel worthy enough right now to invite God into this season of my life. I don't feel worthy enough to have friends really love me through this, and I don't even want friends close enough to see this junk right now.
This last week has been filled with a new situation requiring any excess emotion/courage/energy I had left. It's messy, and it's not going to be a 'quick fix'. It's caused me to realize even more how empty I am.
There, I said it. Yuck. I'm a sinful, selfsh, self-centered human being who is faulty. Duh! And, at the risk of being too sappy and needy, I've got to say: please pray for me. Pray that I would have right perspective. Pray that even though I don't *feel* worthy, that I would know the Truth during this time. Pray that I would have the courage to address some of these issues. Pray that Matt and I would find time to encourage one another and love each other well-- instead of just being exhausted when we have time together. Pray that I would be humble enough to say I need help. Most importantly, pray that I would seek the Lord for His Truth and comfort and salvation during this time when I can't see the end of this season.
And, when you get a moment, update me on YOU. Help me climb out of this self-absorption I've seemed to fall into. You're important to me.
P.S. Wow, even just getting all of that out there has helped lighten the load.