Tuesday, November 17, 2009

How are YOU doing?

This is my feeble attempt at 'connecting' with so many who I would love to sit down and have hours and hours with. I have been such a slack friend lately that when emails come across my screen of friends trying to catch up, I cry. Not bawl, but tear up significantly. My thoughts are inexplicable and don't make any sense, but if that gives you any idea where I am, there you have it. I'm not quite wanting to admit how I'm doing. On several occasions recently, I've broken into tears when I had time to connect with friends. Once when a friend just said 'how are you?'. I couldn't even answer... just cried. Finally said, 'I'm not doing very well', and that cause even more tears. Ugh.

The other night when coming home from work, I turned on the Christian radio station (which I don't usually have on anymore). The song, 'Blessed Be Your Name' was playing, and I had to sing along. It didn't take long before I had collapsed into tears based on the pure effect those words had on me. Blessed be Your Name, when I'm found in the desert place, when I walk through the wilderness, Blessed Be Your Name. I hated to admit to myself that I'm in a wilderness of sorts, but when I really think about it, I know I am. And even though I know it's true, I know that the bigger truth is that God is still worthy of my worship when I'm lost in the wilderness.
I can't remember the last time I had an extended, quality time set aside with the Lord. Haven't been to church in a looooong time, and the last time I did, I cried as a result of my bad attitude. This 'desert place' I'm in is somewhere where I think that I can control my life right now. Yeah, right. Look where it's gotten me: breaking down into fits of tears when asked how I'm doing. Great job, Tricia. Seriously, though, I've been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks, and I think I've created some sort of justification.

Somehow I think that because of this season I'm in, there's nothing God can do to help me. We've gotten ourselves in the financial trouble where we are both working 2 jobs, barely seeing each other, not making enough time for developing friendships, not having enough time to manage the house as I'd like.... It's kinda like I feel like since I made the mess, I've gotta clean it up. Some kind of penance.

I know better. I've given others advice in similar situations, but being here, in the midst of what feels like chaos and shame, stinks. I don't feel worthy enough right now to invite God into this season of my life. I don't feel worthy enough to have friends really love me through this, and I don't even want friends close enough to see this junk right now.

This last week has been filled with a new situation requiring any excess emotion/courage/energy I had left. It's messy, and it's not going to be a 'quick fix'. It's caused me to realize even more how empty I am.

There, I said it. Yuck. I'm a sinful, selfsh, self-centered human being who is faulty. Duh! And, at the risk of being too sappy and needy, I've got to say: please pray for me. Pray that I would have right perspective. Pray that even though I don't *feel* worthy, that I would know the Truth during this time. Pray that I would have the courage to address some of these issues. Pray that Matt and I would find time to encourage one another and love each other well-- instead of just being exhausted when we have time together. Pray that I would be humble enough to say I need help. Most importantly, pray that I would seek the Lord for His Truth and comfort and salvation during this time when I can't see the end of this season.

And, when you get a moment, update me on YOU. Help me climb out of this self-absorption I've seemed to fall into. You're important to me.

Love, Tricia-who-processes-while-writing

P.S. Wow, even just getting all of that out there has helped lighten the load.

4 comments:

  1. OH, dear friend. There are no 'oughts' or 'shoulds' in friendships. Thank you for your gut-level honesty.
    I was just thinking about you today as we're about to head up to Black Mountain. Three years ago you and I sat in that loft area setting up eharmony! Crazy how time flies.
    I love you and miss you!

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  2. Tricia,

    I'm sad to hear that you're in a rough life season, but I totally understand.

    To a lesser extent, and in a different way, I have been on a similar journey for the past couple of years.

    The main thing that I have taken away is my intense need to live in community. Even though I'm very introverted and need time alone, I also need a community of believers in order to do any better than just survive.

    I am praying that God will give you rest, peace, and that you and Matt will find awesome community to dive into, and the time to make it work!

    Don't be afraid to call some time!

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  3. Dear Friend,
    Cast all your cares on Him...

    This is for a season.. and will pass. Hold on to the One that will be there until the end..
    You are loved...

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  4. Oh, sweet Tricia! I'll be praying for you, as one who very recently crawled out of a desert of her own. We have ALL been there. Thanks so much for your honesty and vulnerablity. You are a treasure!

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