It's so hard to describe, though. The juxtaposition of everyday life continuing as normal but the reality that life can change at any moment. It could be an email. It could be a phone call.
I *thought* I was prepared for this. But there's really no way to prepare.
And I'm a do-er. I don't like to sit still and just wait. So, we've been fundraising. A nice distraction, only it's not a distraction but a constant reminder. Just another way to stay busy during the process. Another juxtaposition--trusting God to provide the finances for this adoption but going forward with how we feel He is leading us to fundraise. One of the recent fundraisers did not feel completely led by the Lord, and that stressed me out. It made me want to step back and take a break. I needed to be reminded that I'm not in control of this.
Now, there's the whole curve ball of the house situation. "Backup" money that we were going to use if all the fundraising didn't come through has now turned to House Down Payment. There is no 'backup'. Speaking of being a do-er, this has definitely also provided an change in the daily to-do list. House inspections, meeting with lender, insurance quotes, re-work monthly budget, find a handyman, and so on.
It's no surprise that yesterday, on my lunch break, someone asked me how I'm doing, and I burst into tears. And I couldn't stop them. Thankfully, friends were there to tell me funny stories of their own pregnancy hormonal adventures. This is not a biological pregnancy, but it's an 'expectancy'. They were kind enough to make the comparison. One friend even said that you're not supposed to make major life-changing decisions while pregnant. Well, again, not pregnant but definitely expecting. And this big change was unavoidable.
Oh, and another thing I didn't expect--the constant questions, in my mind and from others.
- When will it happen?
- Will it be a boy or a girl?
- Will the birth father be involved?
- How involved with the birth mother's family be?
- Could we do an older child? Are we supposed to do an older child?
- Why didn't you do DSS? Isn't that free?
- What about international? There are kids already born who will go to sleep tonight without a family.
- Should we change to international?
- Is the birth mom a believer?
- How did this child come to be?
- How do I even pray for this baby? Is he/she born, conceived?
Whew... sometimes it's good to be honest and transparent. God uses this as a way to 'sift' through my thoughts/fears/anxieties and bring forth His Truth.
Friends, this is hard. Already, though, it's worth it. The way God is working in our hearts is overwhelming. The way God is whispering to my heart is priceless. I wouldn't trade it for anything.