Friday, August 17, 2012

One Day...

One day, I'm going to want to remember this season.  LOTS of friends have told me to journal and help myself remember this time.  Our son or daughter will want to know about this season. The wait.  T.h.e....w.a.i.t.

It's so hard to describe, though.  The juxtaposition of everyday life continuing as normal but the reality that life can change at any moment.  It could be an email.  It could be a phone call. 

I *thought* I was prepared for this.  But there's really no way to prepare. 
And I'm a do-er.  I don't like to sit still and just wait.  So, we've been fundraising.  A nice distraction, only it's not a distraction but a constant reminder.  Just another way to stay busy during the process.  Another juxtaposition--trusting God to provide the finances for this adoption but going forward with how we feel He is leading us to fundraise.  One of the recent fundraisers did not feel completely led by the Lord, and that stressed me out.  It made me want to step back and take a break.  I needed to be reminded that I'm not in control of this.  


Now, there's the whole curve ball of the house situation.  "Backup" money that we were going to use if all the fundraising didn't come through has now turned to House Down Payment.  There is no 'backup'.  Speaking of being a do-er, this has definitely also provided an change in the daily to-do list.  House inspections, meeting with lender, insurance quotes, re-work monthly budget, find a handyman, and so on.  

It's no surprise that yesterday, on my lunch break, someone asked me how I'm doing, and I burst into tears.  And I couldn't stop them.  Thankfully, friends were there to tell me funny stories of their own pregnancy hormonal adventures.  This is not a biological pregnancy, but it's an 'expectancy'.  They were kind enough to make the comparison.  One friend even said that you're not supposed to make major life-changing decisions while pregnant.  Well, again, not pregnant but definitely expecting.  And this big change was unavoidable.  

Oh, and another thing I didn't expect--the constant questions, in my mind and from others. 
  • When will it happen? 
  • Will it be a boy or a girl?
  • Will the birth father be involved?
  • How involved with the birth mother's family be?
  • Could we do an older child?  Are we supposed to do an older child?  
  • Why didn't you do DSS?  Isn't that free?
  • What about international?  There are kids already born who will go to sleep tonight without a family. 
  • Should we change to international?  
  • Is the birth mom a believer?  
  • How did this child come to be? 
  • How do I even pray for this baby?  Is he/she born, conceived?
Oh gosh, all those "I's" up there remind me of something else I didn't prepare for-- Matthew and I process this whole thing differently.  DUH!  (Since when have we ever done anything exactly the same!?!)  But to be honest, I've struggled with this.  Why doesn't he handle things the same way?  Does he want this as much as I do?  Are we honestly called to this, or is this just what we want? 

Whew... sometimes it's good to be honest and transparent.  God uses this as a way to 'sift' through my thoughts/fears/anxieties and bring forth His Truth.  

Friends, this is hard.  Already, though, it's worth it.  The way God is working in our hearts is overwhelming.  The way God is whispering to my heart is priceless.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  

Any input?

 

4 comments:

  1. Tricia,girl I feel for you. I don't have any experience with adoption but we are also in this huge waiting phase, as we LONG to be in Uganda, but the LORD has us here waiting for support to come in. I find myself thinking often "LORD we are doing something good and glorifying to you. Why do we have to wait so much?!" And He keeps reminding me that our ways are not His. So though I don't have any answers for you, I can definitely pray for you. And I will. :)

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  2. Thanks for sharing your struggles, Tricia! I can only imagine. I mean I've done the house thing and the pregnant thing but not at the same time...and with adoption, it's not like you even have a time frame of "at least the baby will come by___" and there's more of a choice/decision making instead of just make a baby and you get what you get, you know? So I would guess you are so normal having these struggles! And to feel like you and your husband aren't dealing the same, well I KNOW that is normal. I think you are so on the right track to remind yourself of all God is teaching you and to hold on to hope that you'll get through it for the better. I know the LORD just wants your simple trust and to be enough for you no matter what craziness life is looking like, but I bet sometimes it's not till after the fact that you realize that you did trust and he was enough and you did make it. I'll be praying!

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  3. I'm praying for you (all the time)!!! I'm thankful that God created you the way He has - that you LOVE Him and he has given you this desire and heart to adopt!!! And I'm so thankful that God created Matt the way He has - if you were both processing this time the same way, it wouldn't work! God brought you and Matt together and He's bringing a sweet child into your lives as well. I can only imagine how hard it is to trust Him and wait on His perfect timing - but God's word is CLEAR that we are blessed when we trust Him! I love you, am so thankful that God brought us together 4 years ago in Bangkok and cannot wait to someday meet your sweet child that God has prepared in advance for you and Matt to be the parents of!

    You rock! I don't mean that in a cheesy way, but I love seeing how God has been working through you all this time and preparing you guys!!! We love you guys!!!

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  4. Your baby or babies will be here before you know it!
    XXOO Ginger's Mom

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